Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Rules for Internet Dating

Rules for Online Dating:

1.       Post pictures that actually look like you. There is nothing worse than gushing over the hot guy with the smooth skin and the washboard abs who claims to be into physical fitness, only to meet him and he likes like a life-size Cleveland (Family Guy reference) or worse, Professor Klump. Also, ladies, don’t post pics of how you looked before you had your 4 kids and was “all that!” If you want to have an honest and meaningful interaction, you have to build that relationship on honesty from the gate. Also, limit the amount of makeup and body enhancers you wear (i.e. spanx, wonder bras, girdles, buttpads, etc.). Why? Because it’s all a LIE! A little embellishment isn’t bad, especially if you’re honest about it. But some of ya’ll go too far! Your hair is Brazilian, your nails are Korean, your boobs are silicone, your ass is likely to implode and you’re wearing mini centipedes on your eyes….what the hell? LADIES!  STOP THE MADNESS!!! If a man doesn’t want you the way you are, then let him pass and keep it moving.

2.       Don’t lie about your lifestyle. Yes, fellas…I’m talking to you. DO NOT tell a woman you make 6 figures being a restaurateur and are personal friends with Kanye and Lil Wayne, knowing full well that you’re scrubbing the floors, can barely pay rent and the closest you’ve ever been to Kanye and Weezy is the bootleg cd you burnt off the internet. When she finds out that you lied, the lack of success won’t even be the point. It’s about the flat out deception. How can a woman trust you to lead her if she can’t trust you to not lie to her?

3.       Don’t fall for the corny pickup lines. This one is specifically for the ladies: The downfall of the lack of face to face contact is that you can’t read body language or be able to tell how genuine a person is. So you have to be careful about what you believe. Ever hear of the expression, “Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear”? It definitely applies when it comes to dating, especially online. Guys have the opportunity to say anything to you without your ability to detect the lie as easily but let’s be honest: If a man is saying he loves you yet nothing significant has occurred to cause feelings of that caliber…I’m gonna need you to NOT be desperate enough to believe it.

4.       Take it slow. No matter how instant the connection or chemistry may seem, don’t jump too fast! It’s the quickest way to get your feelings hurt. Plus, you should give each other time to let the infatuation stage wear off and figure out how you both are to the core. In any relationship, you should look deep before you leap…or you may find yourself jumping off a cliff.

5.       Don’t be shy! Go after the guy/girl you like. One of the benefits of internet dating is the little extra courage it gives you that some people just lack in person. Mingle, flirt and have fun. It doesn’t have to be so serious. LADIES TIP: The reality is men don’t do the choosing in this world, women do. So go out and pick yourself a nice one. (SORRY BOYS!) BUT don’t try to be an e-player if you’re not ready for the game you’re playing. (That’s a whole different topic altogether.)

6.       Don’t linger. You should have an idea after so many exchanges whether this person is cool for you or not. If not, don’t lead them on. Let them know and let them go! Simple.

7.       THEY’RE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! It’s a hard lesson to learn, but its just how it goes: you meet someone, everything seems to be cool and all of a sudden, they’re gone and you spend time trying to figure out where the date went wrong. Real talk, they just weren’t that into you. The internet contains so many options, its not unusual for a person to act like a kid in a candy store and hop around from one flavor to the next. Don’t take it personal. Just move on and move up, immediately!
Love and Technology Introduction

Love and intimacy has definitely changed through the years and much of that is due to the advancement of technology. 50 years ago, before the days of cell phones and internet, making an emotional connection was more complex. The standard of beauty was fixed, mainly because of the lack of outside influences being readily available. Men were required to court a woman and come correct, i.e. opening car doors, paying for dates, spending time around a girl's family, etc. Women were expected to know their roles and stay there. And your options were as limited as the money in your wallet.

Fast forward to 20 years ago, when the Internet and cellphones were first hitting the mainstream. It was a luxury that only true ballers could afford. Yet, what drove people together the most was the advancement and popularity of the media. Music, Television and Movies gave youth common ground to stand on and, also, an outlet to show the rest of the world what they were living like. The rich showed off in grand fashion, creating shows such as the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. And those in impoverished conditions exposed themselves to the world through music and movies, such as the emergence of groups like Public Enemy and NWA and movies such as Menace II Society and Boyz In The Hood. As awareness grew, so did interest in people from other walks of life. For the first time, everything didnt feel a world a way but as close as your backyard.

Now, with everything and everyone at your fingertips, the world is truly your oyster. People connect all over the world via sites like Facebook, Twitter, Skype, etc. And its allowed us to be exposed to things we never thought we could ever have access to, to fall in love with people we never thought we'd meet. Even business has become so much easier to expand and gain relevance.

But the most notable change is in our love lives. Technology has truly changed all the rules and now we live in an age of immediate gratification, where you dont need exercise when you can have surgery and waiting a few seconds longer for a webpage to load is a major annoyance. The game has changed significantly....so have the rules changed too?

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Freud's PsychoSexual Stages of Development

Stage 1: Oral Stage (Birth-12mths)

We're all very familiar with this stage where babies will put anything in their mouth. They love feeding time, whether it be bottles or breastfeeding. Many babies chew fingers, toes, toys, etc. And for the most part, its pretty damn cute. The libido (sexual energy/root of pleasure) is centered in the mouth and if it isn't released, the child may grow to have an oral fixation, such as nail biting, smoking, sucking/chewing fingers and thumbs, etc. Many mothers are very quick to stop they're young child from sucking fingers or pacifiers, but its better to let them have it and break the habit at a more age appropriate time.

Stage 2: Anal Stage (12-36 mths)

Have you ever seen a baby making "poo-poo" in their diaper and it looks like it actually feels good to them? You may laugh (as I currently am, too), but defecating actually does feel extremely good to a child this age. Children this age are usually learning to potty train, so its very important that you are fully aware of how and when you train them.

At this point, the child begins to develop an ego. They come to the realization that no matter what they want to do, they have to do what they are told and cannot obtain the immediate gratification they way they did previously. That is at the heart of what makes potty training so difficult, getting a child to defecate in a specific time and place versus wherever and whenever, with no responsibility or consequence.

Potty training a kid thats too young or using a mean or demeaning method of training can lead to a child growing into an adult and becoming, yes, anal! They will have anal-retentive personalities that may lead to obsessive compulsive disorder, excessive stubbornness and may even make excessively cheap! But you cant be too liberal either, as this may result in a messy, unorganized and rebellious adult.

Stage 3: Phallic Stage (3-5/6 yrs)

As previously discussed in the portion on masturbation, children discover this way of tension release before they reach age 1. However, as stated earlier, this is a non-sexual habit for a child that age. The same applies here, though at this age masturbation is a more regular occurance, especially in a private setting. Children also become very aware of gender differences and roles, which can bring about conflicting emotions like erotic attraction, resentment, rivalry, jealousy and fear.

Because of these factors, its not uncommon for a child to "fall in love" with their opposite sex parent and feel a need to claim ownership of them. This is called the 'Oedipus Complex' for boys and the 'Electra Complex' for girls.

Oedipus is a part of an ancient Greek myth where the young Oedipus falls in love with his mother, so he kills his father in order to marry his mother. When he comes to terms with what he's done,  he pokes his eyes out and renders himself blind. Although not so literal, this touches on what young children begin to feel when they are in this stage and still lacking the superego.

In a young male child, he may begin to view his mother in a desirable way- hence, the reason why most men marry women similar to their mother- and want possess her, which draws jealous feelings towards the father. But, internally and irrationally, the boy begins to think the father will find out and separate him from what he holds most dear: not the mother. The penis. (It may sound funny, but during this stage a little boy values his penis over everything else.) So, the child's solution is to then learn how to be more like his dad by imitating the father's masculine behaviors. Not out of extreme like for the father, but in order to be like him to gain the mom or a woman like her.

Girls are little trickier, as are all things with females. The Electra complex differs in that the female child briefly desires the father but then comes to envy him because she realizes he has a penis and she doesn't, making her wish to be a boy. By now, her ego is well developed which equips her with the realization that this is impossible, so she substitutes her penis desire for a baby desire. (Which explains little girls' fascination with baby dolls) The girl blames her mother for her 'position of castration' which causes tension between mother and daughter. (This is the beginning of the 'Mom, you're ruining my life' phase that is typical of many mother-daughter relationships during the pubescent/teenage years) But eventually, the little girl releases that tension by suppressing feelings for the father and the desire to be a boy and simply learns to identify with the mother and adapt to the female gender roles.

(Unsuccessful resolution of this step could result in a closer adaptation to male gender roles, which can play a huge part in the attraction part of sexuality. Meaning? Your child may learn to desire the same sex by still desiring to BE the opposite sex.)

Latency (6-Puberty)

In this stage, the child's libido is dormant. Mainly, because this is the age when a child goes to school all day. They are more focused on learning new things, meeting new people and developing socially rather than sexually. Because of the lack of libido, children tend to socialize more with same sex children and have little to no desire to even intermingle with children of the opposite sex. Boys think girls are gross, Girls think boys have chiggers and cooties. All is well at this age.

Stage 4: Genital (Puberty-Adulthood)

This is the phase that ALL parents fear. This is where the hormones kick in and children start to sprout adult bodies and develop more adult feelings and relationships with their opposite sex peers. In fact, most of their relation to their same sex peers stem from feelings of the opposite sex, which creates a repetitive cycle of emotions and changes and pressure that can lead to many negative outcomes.
Especially, if the child isn't presented with the proper sex education information.

In Freud's opinion, the time of adolescence is one of sexual experimentation which if resolved successfully will lead to loving intimate one-on-one relationships in our 20s and beyond.  He also believed the the proper outlet of the libido in this stage is through heterosexual intercourse. Anything else was deemed as a 'sexual perversion' and a sign that fixation and conflict was not resolved at a specific stage.

In example, if a child has not resolved the oral fixation early on this may result in sexual pleasure mainly by way of kissing or oral sex instead of intercourse. The same goes for the anal phase, however in the phallic phase it appears when they reach a heterosexual/homosexual crossroad that alot of modern children deal with at a higher rate than their parents/grandparents did. The confusion of roles and unresolved feelings of conflict coupled by a lack of communication and valid information may serve as a stepping stone into sexuality experimentation, beginning in middle school well into college and adult years.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Sigmund Freud and Personality/PsychoSexual Development

Sigmund Freud is one of the most reknowned and controversial figures in Psychology. I tend to feel he was so far ahead of his time, he was tagged as a sexist, homophobe, heretic and a flat out jackass.
This theory is based around what Freud describes as psychosexual stages, which are based upon the fixation of sexual tension or energy in specific areas of the body at specific ages and stages. These stages aid in discovering the erogenous zones and forming characteristics about the personality that carry on into the adult years.

For those not well versed in Freud, I want to break down the 3 elements of personality, as described by Freud, so that his theories will make better sense.

1. ID: this is the aspect of personality that we are born with, unaffected by society and not concerned with moral/ethical consciousness. Its driven by immediate gratification or the pleasure principle, and when those needs are not satisfied, it will equate to tension and stress. I.e. this is why babies cry the exact moment that they are hungry, wet, sleepy, etc. They have no concern for anything or anyone except for what applies to them and their comfort and needs.

2. EGO: this gives the ID a system of checks and balances; after all, you can only go around thinking of only yourself and carrying yourself carelessly for so long until it becomes a problem. This is where EGO gives ID a much needed reality check.

3. SUPEREGO: this relates to the moral compass set by your parents and all who raised you; it mostly is a reflection of the scale of right & wrong/do's and don'ts taught to you as a child before you attained working knowledge of the world around you. The EGO IDEAL involves the positive behaviors taught to you as a child associated with feelings of pride and accomplishhment. The CONSCIENCE holds views about what you were taught were bad and forbidden and are associated with feelings and thoughts of punishment, failure, guilt or remorse.

Each psychosexual stage is associated with a conflict, reliant upon successful resolution in order to advance to the next stage and with repercussions if not successfully resolved. The overall idea is that as we move through fixation stages, we are supposed to move out of them at an age appropriate time. If we don't leave these stages and continue holding to the fixation, it signifies that something was lacking in that developmental stage to help us relieve frustration, which results in an overindulgence in a particular type of fixation.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

What the Bible teaches children about Sexuality

Coming from a perspective of someone who is not affiliated with any religious denomination, I have to admit: I still trust the Bible for many life lessons. For a child, sexuality in a world where many adults are confused can be a difficult concept for any child to come to terms with. The Bible breaks down the true purpose and meaning behind sex, which is what a child needs to be made aware of at an early age. Also, there's alot of bad information that children receive and its important to combat that with a wealth of knowledge from reliable sources. Plus, you want to teach them the proper precepts. Its important that a child absorbs and takes the basic principles to heart before they ever come of the age to be tempted.

The Bible teaches children 3 things about the sexual union:
1. Sex is for reproduction, in order to repopulate God's world
2. Sex is meant to nurture the love and relationship between husband and wife
3. Sex is meant to represent the love of God and Jesus.

Its important to note the world that our children are growing up in. It won't take long for your child to acknowledge that many adults, and even older children, don't abide by the rules they were taught. The important thing is to teach them not to do as others do, but to learn from their mistakes. If instilled properly as children, through time and maturity they will come to understand much better.

And timing is of the essence! Sometimes, parents have a way of saying the timing is wrong for the child when the truth is that the timing is wrong for mom and dad! The reality is that our kids are coming up in a world where sex is beginning at 10 years old and children have adult bodies. Children's minds don't have the capacity to process emotions and hormonal feelings towards others, so the lack of information is detrimental to a child at that stage and in the wrong situation.

Children and Masturbation

Its important to remind ourselves that masturbation is not a sexual act in the mind of a child. Many children discover their genitalia between 6-11 months old, usually during bath time, diaper changes or possibly as a result of playing in their diapers during alone time. Most times, its used as a means of self-comfort. Its very common as most children regularly masturbate in private by age 5-6 years old. Any doctor would tell you that this is very normal and healthy, generally with no cause for concern.

However, there are signs to look for that maybe associated with some form of abuse or trauma.
But, as a parent, you have to look for signs that there may be something wrong. After all, chronic masturbation can be symptomatic of a much deeper physical or emotional issue. Children at this young age aren't naturally aware of the two-sidedness of intercourse and penetrative acts, so this may be a sign of exposure to actions or material that isn't age appropriate. Also, simulating sexual actions/positions or being intrusive/invasive to other children is a problem because they may cause a certain level of trauma to other children around them. Most importantly are the medical repercussions, such as rashes, infections, bruising, etc. If any of these are discovered, contact a medical professional immediately!

This is just an opinion, but I feel like unless your child is obsessively masturbating or displaying disturbing behaviors, especially in public places, this is a very natural and innocent type of behavior.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Sexual Behaviors in Children Intro

Many people believe that sexuality is developed in our pubescent years through adulthood. More so, there has always been a stigma about sexuality as nothing more than a means of reproduction vs a natural state of being and awareness. This is actually not so. We are born sexual creatures of nature and we gradually develop mentalities and habits as we grow, from childhood onward.

As a mother, initially it was difficult to use the word sex and child in the same sentence. In my mind and in the world, as a whole, the only instances in which the two words are intermingled are in reference to a violation or abuse. And, to be honest, who wants to think about their own kids in any remote sexual way? It's difficult enough to tell them where babies come from and, later on, have the "birds and the bees" talk, but sexuality? How uncomfortable!

But, its an actual disservice not to do so. The very behaviors we exhibit are watched closely by our children, including non-physical sexual behaviors. In fact, the ideas given about intimacy and sex at that young age has the ability to affect your child well into their adult life. So, as parents, we have to be very careful about the messages we send.

I found that this information hit home when my children started asking some very startling questions...and only at age 7! Immediately, the fear came that there was something wrong or that someone might be harming them. That's a valid reaction, but I had to know whether we had an issue or natural childish curiosity. And, honestly, I'm glad I did my homework and am grateful for what I found.

I hope this information in this piece is absorbed and may help to understand your child/future children in a better way as human beings.

I'm back!

Hey lovers! Its been such a long time since I blogged and I have to say I miss it. So many endeavors, so little time. Anyhow, we are back with all the best information about Love and Sex from the best scientific sources available. Brought to You by MOI!

Stay Tuned...

Types of Female Orgasm

There are many ways to have an orgasm but the most important thing is to know how to induce an organism. There's nothing worse than great sex without a happy ending. There are in total 8 types of orgasm, which are broken down into 2 categories: Foreplay and Penetration. Foreplay orgasms are those that take place before the actual act of intercourse. These orgasms are paramount because they make the anticipation for intercourse higher which gives a greater chance for penetrative orgasms and possibly multiple orgasms. The important thing to remember about orgasms are that they require time and concentration. You have to work up to that heightened level of sensitivity and arousal. The Penetration orgasm takes place during intercourse and are important to master in order to make multiple orgasms possible.

Foreplay Orgasms:
-Nipple: Though this is very rare, some women (and men) actually possess a higher concentration of extra sensitive nerves in the nipple and the right combination of stimulation with the hands and mouth can cause a moderate-intensity orgasm.
-Clitoral: This is common and very effective; its important to focus special attention the pearl tip of the clitoris. The "pearl" is has the highest and most exposed nerve ends; also this is where the blood rushes at the point of deep arousal. Not as intense as other vaginal orgasms, but still works wonders :)
-"Deep Spot": So this happens when a guy gets a really deep penetration and you have an inevitable ejaculation; this is usually the first type of orgasm a woman ever experiences, simply because its so easy to execute.
-"G Spot": This is similar to the deep spot orgasm, the difference being that you have to know exactly where the G Spot is. You must really know your partner in order to hit this spot...

Penetration Orgasms:
-Vaginal: This is the most common. This is the intercourse version of the "deep spot" orgasm, however this one is not always so easy to get to. This is one that relies heavily upon execution of a foreplay orgasm.
-Anal: This occurs when you have a clitoral or vaginal orgasm during "back door" entry and can be much more intense than a vaginal orgasm by itself; most common amongst gay men.
-Multiple: These are sooo great!!! This when you have climax over a few minutes time...can be difficult

Monday, January 9, 2012

What is an Orgasm?

The definition of an orgasm is the sudden discharge of accumulated sexual tension resulting in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region characterized by intense pleasure. Its also defined as a psychological experience of pleasure and abandon where the mind focuses solely on the personal experience.

Ladies: its important to remember that no two people's orgasms are the same. Some women have extremely intense ones while others have mild and sporadic orgasms. But for the majority of women, an orgasm has physiological similarities, such as:

Heavy breathing, increased heart rate/blood pressure, clitoral stimulation/pulsating, tension/release of tension in pelvis and possibly other body parts, muscle contractions near the vagina/pelvic floor/anus/rectum, uncontrollable spasms in your limbs, etc.

Introduction to the Big O

It's amazing that so many people today don't know much about the orgasm. We all know what orgasms are, in a matter of speaking. But I'm never shocked when I hear a female say that she's never experienced one or don't know what it feels like. The orgasm is so important that in ancient times, the orgasmic phase of sexual religious rituals was thought to be the highest point that a person could ascertain spiritually to God himself. Even as late as the 1800s, an orgasm was thought to be the cure for many psychological disorders, even delirium. 

So why today does it seem that we are so lost on the topic of male/female orgasm? It would appear that mentally we are still in a phase of believing sex is not about the mental/physical/spiritual pleasure but procreation. Its probably this same mentality that has demonized sexual rites/climactic rituals in religion and spirituality today. Sex is/was something meant to be enjoyed and to draw the two participants together physically and spiritually. 

But orgasms are not always easily attainable, especially amongst women. Which is why it is important for us to explore the facets of our bodies intimately in order to know what turns us on and what doesn't. There are so many factors that go into an orgasm or if you're lucky multiple orgasms. You have to know how to get them, what makes them stronger and more frequent. Every person is different so every person's hot button will be different.

Hopefully the information that follows will help to turn it all upside down or just give you a little extra spice in the bedroom for good.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

History and Myths About Homosexuality

The crusade against homosexuality began in approximately 342 AD, when Christians attempted to ban homosexual behaviors and marriage, which prior to this was openly accepted in many parts of Europe, Africa and Asia. The origin of homosexuality as an "unnatural act" became widespread in big part due to the writings of Thomas Aquinas, an Italian Dominican priest of the Catholic church in the 1100s. The first continental ban on homosexuality came in 1533, when King Henry VIII passes the infamous Buggery Act that banned any sex not resulting in procreation(including anal/oral sex and masturbation). This spread throughout Europe and inevitably found a home in the original American colonies, where penalties were enacted for the crime of sodomy. Just to be clear, the term sodomy was used to describe sexual acts and behaviors that weren't procreative(between two sexes), occured outside of marriage(fornication and infidelity) or were seen as violating formal traditions(such as sexual positions where the man was not in the dominant position, i.e. "riding"). These were described as "wickedness not to be named" and were punishable by death.

When the field of medicine and psychology got involved, it turned from sin to mental illness. The assertion by individuals such as Richard von Krafft-Ebing(who described it as a 'degenerative sickness' in his work, "Psychopathia Sexualis") was that it was better to view homosexual individuals as sick, as to remove them from judgement and to release the blame comparable to a sinner or criminal. In 1901, Havelock Ellis made the claim that homosexuality was, "inborn and therefore not immoral...not a disease, and...many homosexuals made outstanding contributions to society". Sigmund Freud also had a theory of human sexuality, in which he stated that he believed all human beings are innately bisexual and that their hetero/homosexual status was formed based on external experiences with parents and others. Yet both these men agreed that being gay was not a form of pathology.

History has also shown proof of same sex relationships dating back to Ancient Egypt circa 2400-2500 BC, when the tomb of two gay males were discovered bodies, positioned together and hand in hand. Emperors of the Han Dynasty of China were known to keep several male sexual partners. Even Julius Caesar was rumored to have had a gay love affair with Bythanian King Nicomedes IV in 80 BC. In many affluent cultures, and in the most affluent positions, homosexuality was openly accepted.

Homosexuality is a topic that has been argued from many standpoints for a millenium and still the world is unwilling to accept the gay population. Time, natury and history has shown that this is not a fad and in some scientific evaluation may be about genetics or other natural variables.